January 12th, 2009



As some of you know, I was in a bad car accident a while back, in which the car I was driving ended up going under a semi on the NJ turnpike at 70 mph.  The roof was sheared off the car entirely, but I walked away with lot of stitches in my scalp, no other injuries, and a conviction that the Universe is saving me for a much more interesting demise. Like a tiger or volcano. I'm hoping to perish in outer space, myself.

It also left me with a lot of anxiety when driving, and I haven't really driven much on the highway since. I do drive around town, and I do have a certain ...quirkiness about my driving, which involves elaborate routes that avoid any highways or particularly tricky intersections. I don't react well to bonehead moves on the part of other drivers, because they make me feel panicky. But I really thought I was over most of the panicky, shaky stuff until this morning, when I found myself on Lake Sammammish Way, screaming expletives at the drivers who wouldn't let me in and were forcing me to turn and go up a hill that I didn't want to go up in a stick shift. I'd kinda hoped a lot of this would just fade with time, but the stress of driving an unfamiliar car coupled with having my mother in the car got to me in a way that I don't think it should have.

So I dunno. Do I just keep on with my usual ways, or should I be pushing myself to drive on the highway until it doesn't scare me anymore? It seems like a dangerous way to try to heal that particular wound, because if I screw up due to a panicky moment, I'm doing it at high speed. But letting it fade with time doesn't seem to be working so well. And I don't like being scared of something.

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